Last week I had the opportunity to present to families in the Elmbrook School District on a topic called Back to the Basics: Uncomplicating Parenting in a Complicated World.
Parenting advice today can feel overwhelming. Professionals, authors, bloggers, friends, and family all have opinions about the “right” way to raise a child. But underneath all those approaches are a few shared practices that make parenting effective and meaningful.
Before we could even get to those basics, we had to talk about something much harder—failure. Not just our children’s failure, but our own.
Here’s the hard question I asked that night: why are we so afraid to let our children fail?
There are a lot of reasons, but they often come down to this—we don’t want our kids to feel pain, discomfort, or embarrassment, and we don’t want to feel those emotions either. So we protect. We fix. We hover. We do things for them instead of letting them do things on their own. We guide, warn, prepare, and prevent—sometimes to the point of suffocating the very lessons that help them grow.
But mistakes are how grit is built. Failure is how confidence develops. Discomfort is how growth happens. When kids experience failure, they learn that they can do hard things. They learn that even when they fall short, they are still loved and valued. They start to understand that mistakes don’t stop the world; they’re simply a part of it.
When children are young, life naturally offers plenty of low-stakes opportunities to make mistakes. Forgetting a lunch. Missing a soccer game because homework wasn’t done. Oversleeping and skipping breakfast. These moments may be uncomfortable, but they teach accountability and resilience—lessons no lecture can replace.
If you think back to your own life, the experiences that shaped you most likely came from the times you stumbled, not when everything went perfectly. So let your kids explore. Let them make mistakes and learn to correct them. Let them try, fail, and try again.
Our role as parents is to know when to step back. One question I often encourage parents to ask is, “Does this consequence affect me, or does it affect them?” If it affects them, let it happen. For example, if the rule in your house is that homework must be done before soccer, and your child spends the afternoon doing everything but homework, you remind them once and step back. When it’s time to leave and the work isn’t finished, you calmly say, “I’m sorry, but we won’t be able to go to soccer today. Hopefully tomorrow we will.” No lectures, no guilt—just empathy and consistency.
And here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: when our children fail, it often stirs something deep within us. Many parents feel that when their child makes a mistake, they too have failed. I’ve felt that. Most of us have. It’s especially hard in a world where social media is filled with perfect family photos, flawless report cards, and smiling kids who seem to always get it right. But don’t be fooled by those snapshots. They don’t show the real learning, the hard days, or the growth that happens through imperfection.
Be confident in your parenting and the life lessons you’re teaching your child. Focus on that, and it may make watching your child struggle a little easier.
It’s hard to see our kids uncomfortable. But the reward comes later—when they leave our homes independent, capable, and unafraid to try.
Grit doesn’t come from being protected. It comes from practice.
And self-esteem can’t be given—it has to be learned through experience.
If you want to talk more or have other questions about this topic, feel free to message me. I love to continue the conversation!